Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
a search helicopter?!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
