The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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