I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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