Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
