Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
