...so i touched it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize