Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
