This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
