A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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