i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize