Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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