Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
