No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
