It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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