my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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