Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize