The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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