dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
