The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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