Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
