Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
