FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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