when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
