I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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