Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
