Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize