Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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