census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
