Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
