So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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