I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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