It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
