i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This is not my ceiling
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
