Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
