I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
