Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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