I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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