I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
