Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize