just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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