Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
