May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize