Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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