Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
