she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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