Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
