I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
