Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
