two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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