I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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