Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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