I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
