last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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