y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
