tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he was CRYING into my vagina
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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