Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize