Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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