do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
