he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
