some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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