i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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