I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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