3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
