I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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