Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
