so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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