I think I won the penis lottery.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
