Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
